Tuesday, March 17, 2009

President Promises Hack Health Insurance Heaven

Hackington, District of Hackia - President Ohacka proposed to wreck the private health insurance industry by taxing health insurance benefits and charging private health insurance providers for veterans' healthcare.  Before a crowd of potential hacks on the Hackitol steps yesterday, President Ohacka assured the crowd his proposals would "...uh...eh....uh...you know...bankrupt private health insurers, companies that contribute to employee health plans, and the insured in this...uh...country.  You see...you know...uh...people will cry out for the government to...uh...'do something.'  Well, we charge for 'doing something,' don't we?!"  The crowd cheered wildly.

President Ohacka continued: "The private health insurance system in this oppressive, bourgeois, captialistic country employs over - uh...my teleprompter stopped working - well, you can imagine how many people this industry employs.  We need those jobs to grow the federal hackerment labor force."  He continued, "Onerous overhead costs will accompany complex veteran care.  Insurers can go out of business paying those overhead costs or bankrupt families by spreading those costs among existing health plans.  Considering those health benefits will be taxable, families will be faced with the joining a health plan or a bread line. People will demand hackerment health insurance. You will replace those millions of privately employed health insurance workers.  You - with your cousins, in-laws, political donors - will become hacks in a new department dedicated to hack not health insurance!"

Peter Hack, an unemployed hack from the Carter administration thought the proposals made sense.  "This economy is horrible. The federal hackerment needs more bureaus and departments to hire people.  His proposals create federal employment by destroying an area where the the private sector delivers a service. President Ohacka's proposals are great."  An anonymous unemployed hack from the Ford administration commented, "His proposal on veteran health will also promote peace: no one will want to serve in our imperialistic army if the hackerment won't cover their injuries.  He [President Ohacka] is truly a genius."

Governor Hackzine Defends Hackget on Hackpike and in Ho-Hack-Us

Hackton, New Hacksey - Governor Hackzine vigorously defended his proposed FY 2010 hackget yesterday while driving along the Hackpike at speeds up to 90 mph. Unfortunately, reporters could only catch every third word: "This hackget makes...tough but unavoidable....Unless there are...some state hacks...furloughed then rehired...in the future," he commented near exit 16W.   

Our reporter later spoke with him in Ho-Hack-Us, where police stopped him for driving 75 mph in a 35 mph zone. "Look, it's simple. I know times are tough," speaking through the driver's side window while police checked his license and registration. "However, I have a state payroll to make. For example, my Office of Hackget Management Director, Charlene Hackbaur, makes over $100,000 per year, excluding hackefits.  There are two other Hackbaurs on the state payroll near $100,000. Now, I don't know if they are related or not but that's not the point. The point is: how can I increase their salaries, hackefits, and perks if I don't take from taxpayers? It's impossible. That's one reason why I want to eliminate property tax deductions: it will give me more money to play with. Now, sorry, but I need to go - I'm late for an appointment and I hate to rush."

"Sister of Hackenstein" Opens to Rave Reviews

17 March 2009 (Hackton, HA) - "The Sister of Hackentsein" opened to rave reviews this week. The hackumentary features Carol Hackuisi, Hacksportation chief James Hackuisi's sister. The hackerment miraculously hires Carol to an unnamed, unnecessary, arguably nonexistent job fetching $60,000/year plus hackefits. With DNA as her sole qualification, she becomes the Sister of Hackentein, ravaging taxpayers to support her employment, hackefits, and lifestyle. As one anonymous hack commented, "This story sends an important message: her job is more important than leaving money for people to spend on their children and bills. Everyone should see it." Another unnamed hack exclaimed, "It's hackelous!  Great performances by Hackenstein and his sister. In a time when people are worried about their bills, the film portrays hacks heroically acting in their own self-interest."

The film will be playing indefinitely at the Hackachusetts State House and all government buildings.

Rating: S for Sickening

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Hacks Celebrate St. Hacktrick’s Day

15 March, 2009 (Hackton, HA) -  State Senator Jack Hack hosted the annual St. Hacktrick's Day breakfast at the Hackton Convention Center this morning. The hacks usually hold the annual hackfest at Hackton's Hack Hall. However, exponential hack growth prompted the venue change.

Prominent hacks included Governor Deval Hacktrick, Hackton Mayor Hackas Menino, State House of Representatives Speaker Bob DeHacko, and State Senate President Theresa Hackay. The annual hackfest featured music, tributes, and barbs combining humor with political commentary.  Governor Hacktrick's song blamed prior governors for proposed tax increases. Congressman Hacken Lynch hinted discomfort with federal deficit spending.  All seemed in good spirits, considering taxpayers fund their salaries, pensions, free cars, and other perks.

An anonymous hack commented to our reporter, "I am grateful to be a hack in Hackachusetts. Imagine - the hackerment cries "economic crisis" but not a soul questions if we mean a government or private sector crisis.  We mention "unemployment", "family bills", and "slow job growth."  We respond with taxes that save our salaries, pensions, and perks.  I'm really glad no one calls us on it.  I mean, I hope taxpayers find their way through this mess but we must take care of ourselves, friends, and families first."